05 06 24
marks about a year since i've started calling myself a photographer. i wanna become addicted to this interest of mine. know everything about every camera and do nothing but look and collect cameras. rofl, such an expensive interest.......i tend to pick those
photography related goals: i need to learn how to get better at night photography. all my photos look so grainy. i need to learn how to edit better. do more conceptual shoots. less street photography more theme. maybe i could even get commissioned or something.........that'd be nice..........
i have this idea for a photo series and i told my friend and she said it's a good idea and it's something i could post on social media too. it'd be pretty exciting to do. gotta invest in myself first. in cameras and myself. i have zero confidence. not true, i have some, but it's pretty damn low. i just don't want people to know i exist right now. tldr i think im fugly WOMP WOMPPPPPPPPPPP
i wanna collect a bunch of old digital cameras and do street shoots with it. that's about the whole idea. more to it but im just emptying my brain here
05 02 24
i said to a friend, "am i being annoying?" and she said, "no, but i wish i could turn your brain off for you so you get peace"
i cried a little because it was probably the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me. or maybe it's because i was listening to the katawa shoujo soundtrack as i read it & that always makes me emotional
04 30 24
i'm not sure why, i've been feeling more anxious than ever these days. my chest feels tight all the time. i always feel on edge & like something bad is going to happen. i need a freaking ativan
04 29 24
the past few days have been very idyllic. the first term has ended, so i have the next week to do whatever i'd like before the next one begins. it's all very fast-paced. playing minecraft again with some friends (i guess it's nice i can call them friends now) & getting to know someone special a lot better. but i have to caution how much i talk about this guy because he reads my neocities like the morning paper. makes me wonder if i should have kept my website more private, since a good amount of my old friends know of it; but at the same time, i don't really talk about anything here that i wouldn't speak about with them, too. but sometimes i want to. and sometimes i think i need another neocities. one's enough
i wish i had a drive for something. like a career. one that actually would make me some money because i can take silly pictures all i want but i don't think it'd ever fulfill me or make me feel proud of myself. no. that's a lie. i'm more proud of myself these days than ever before
people don't really lie when they say years go by fast. people being the older people in my life. but the 3 years of grieving after 2020 suddenly feel like nothing in the face of 1 year of healing. that's not true. i still have a lot that troubles me but i think this past year, i've rounded out my support system more than ever. i'm talking to my brother again. i have a lot of people in the world who care about me. i wish i could take care of them as much as they take care of me
i'm just kinda weak, and then we go back to the theme of little busters, and then all these entries begin feeling like a loop. ahhhhhhh......i love little busters!!!!!
time to play some minecraft. i'm grateful for a week off, a week for zero obligations
04 24 24
UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUOOOOOOOOOOH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!BOYFRIEND????????????? I HAVE A WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?????????
04 22 24
hello. i am back from japan. so much to think about, too much for my brain that only got 2 hours of sleep on the 11 hour flight. but i fall back to routine pretty easily
pictures will be uploaded soon, working on the page for the whole trip now. i hope there's some interest in it. i plan on including most pictures i took on the trip (300+...) and a little play-by-play of everything that my friend and i got up to. tips for traveling, shops/places to visit, stuff like that......that's one thing i really like about this website. i can document whatever i want and it'll be there for as long as neocities exists for.
having epiphanies on existential levels these days. good ones. i'm the kind of person to sit in silence and stare at the flight map on long flights, so lots of thinking gets done. i think life's okay and i'm in a good headspace finally. i'm happy to just exist and be on earth at the same time as people who value me and people that i value. i have been talking with someone very special recently, an experience that is a bit new and foreign to me.....leaving japan was sad but i had someone to look forward to when i got home.
and it all goes back to little busters in the end. i hate thinking about my future. i hate not knowing what's going to happen & knowing that many things are simply out of my control. i hate thinking about my career and i hate thinking about how to make money. i hate school, no matter if i'm decent at it, and i don't think i can ever bring myself to enjoy it. but it all goes back to little busters in that none of this really matters and what actually matters are all the connections i make in this lifetime
i only have one of those (lifetimes, i mean) and it's nice to spend it with the people i love. i love having fun and weird encounters. i've decided that's probably what i'm going to seek forever——connections. humans were made to be with other humans blah blah blah suck a dick blah blah blah yap yap
i need to go back to japan with my friend from middle school who constantly recalls me slamming my head on my desk for no reason in seventh grade spanish class. we need to see the things we didn't see and do the things we didn't do. i need to meet people from across the world like in bali. what a special time in my life. i think of my latvian friend way more than she thinks of me, probably.
but at the same time, i'm so introverted and i've really noticed it while traveling. maybe it was the sleep deprivation but the person in the aisle seat was trying to strike up a conversation with me on the plane, but i couldn't even process what she was saying or what to respond with. or maybe it was the subject at hand. she asked me if i was in college. i looked at her and shook my head. well, why did i do that? i'm in college. she was like, oh, so you're in high school? i blanked out completely. no, i'm not in high school, i'm in college. but my friend, sitting beside me in the window seat, isn't in college. so what do i say? the person in the aisle seat said something about her daughter also being in college and commented on how young my friend and i look. i put my headphones back on because i was just in disbelief at myself for such horrid responses. but maybe i shouldn't be so hard on myself because that was me, groggy, after 11 hours of deluging myself with my brain
but there were so many moments where a person was striking up something akin to a conversation with me and my friend had to step in because i kept stammering or not knowing what to say and spacing out. again, maybe it was an environment thing. maybe i was just really freaking overwhelmed. my friend made the same joke a few times of calling me a baby. i feel like a dysfunctional human being. like something went wrong when they tried making me a normal human. i'm not saying this with negative connotation, either, i'm just awkward and that's about it.......i feel like yumemi from planetarian, who says, "yes, i'm just a little broken." that was a really good visual novel
moral of the story? i'm happy to be home. i'm happy to have meaningful connections in my life. i want to make more, forever. i'm anxious about being an awkward person. i'm anxious about my future. i don't think there's a person on the planet who isn't anxious about their future. so i'm probably not as dysfunctional as i think
honestly, i just think too much. like way too much. and that's probably why i space out and stammer so much in face-to-face conversation. i think too hard about what i'm saying and if it makes sense or if it aligns with who i am or if it's something i want to share with another person or if it's appropriate for the conversation. i think faster than i can talk (this happened a lot at the coffee shop). i should start meditating fr
04 09 24
re-read the ending of muv-luv alternative. still one of my favorite visual novels no matter how much i dislike muv-luv extra or the ending of alternative
he's so right
japan tomorrow, which means no updates for this website until the 22nd, when i return. i plan to make an entire page dedicated to everything i got up to during the trip, so maybe there's that to look forward to making.......it's been a while since i've made a new page & i haven't really touched the little busters page i was working on for a bit. too distracted by valorant, huh?
i turn 19 during my trip. not many thoughts related to that. i think 20 is the bigger milestone. the age i thought i would never reach
04 07 24
3 days
changing so much i'm not sure whether it is good or bad change, but i don't think it matters. everybody changes every single day. new and strange environment
i fear letting myself get walked all over & spoken over, i do not want anyone to think that they have any sort of power over me. a lot of my other friends were around my age or younger, but now i'm hanging out with people who are just a couple years older. and usually, a lot happens in those couple of years (if we're talking 19-25). maybe i'm still stuck in my 14 year old brain (as a lot of the times i don't feel like i've grown from that point, that i've just been stuck as egg girl, don't ask if you don't know what this means) because i still think about those same people from eighth grade every day and i fixate on songs like it is the air i breathe. i need to write letters. letters letters letters. and never send them out!
writing's a good & healthy hobby. i have to do my assignments before i leave for japan
04 05 24
my brain constantly flip-flops from "god, i'd love to become a programming demon. i'd love to become a math/physics beast and stop giving a shit" to "god, computer science is cooked. there's no getting anywhere."
my old friend's brother, a comp sci student, said the job market will resolve itself by the time i'm graduated basically. which makes me feel better. but it's also like, damn, i'm really gonna have to grind about shit i don't care about (math and physics) to get to the part i actually care about (making websites). boo hoo wah wah wah i'm working on my stupid portfolio site. japan in 5 days
means to an end!!! my dad says. i'm trying to convince myself. means to an end!!!!! I WANNA GET RICH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YAHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
but i like taking pictures
04 01 24
april. 15 days until i am 19 and 9 days until i am in japan. i think my dad is happy that i'm happy again
and of course when i write that, i get a very somber feeling out of nowhere. i need to continue scrapbooking. i just need to continue with my hobbies, no matter how much joy they suck out of me. i'm sitting with clip studio paint open trying to make my awkward hands move correctly, i seriously feel like once i lost any motivation to be creative (as in making characters), i just completely lost my ability to draw. i think the understanding that i am not as good of an artist as i used to be settled in long ago, but i'm still upset about it. it was a good and healthy hobby. i turned off my brain and could go at it for hours at a time. i miss that but it doesn't feel the same anymore. but i think that's fine
the mindset as of recent (the mindset changes everyday): embrace change instead of rejecting it. i think i already knew that, but it's fine that i'm not as good as drawing anymore. i never wanted to make it my career. i can have a hobby as a hobby. but i still feel a little downcast despite that. it's fine, it's fine!!!! i need a good emo album to listen to. that'll help
i suddenly recalled something a friend said to me about two or three months ago. i genuinely thought depression was a lifelong thing. like once you get it, you just have it, that's life. they were like, "no, it's not, depression can go away completely." i was like, damn! i don't have to care that much!
on that note, i'm feeling like i'm getting out of that four month long depressive episode. it felt more intense than normal. i don't know what "normal" is or why depressive episodes happening suddenly became a normal, i'm assuming i'm just one of those people that gets insanely ridiculous seasonal depression. i get sad that i can't take stupid walks outside so i feel like the entire world is crashing down for several months. come to think of it, all the times i've felt my very worst were at the end of every year (at least for the past five years). but maybe it felt more "intense" than "normal" because i was letting myself feel those emotions a bit more strongly and i was talking to my dad more than ever before
which makes me grateful, still, because sometimes i get scared we're not close enough. past few years have been rough on both of us but he's one of my favorite people ever. which is kinda funny. not to air out his business, but he's a real paranoid person, so the fact that he knows how to calm me down better than anyone is interesting. because he's the kind of guy to start tweaking out over some really itty bitty shit. i think this is probably why i'm a paranoid person too
03 29 24
very scary, my appetite has disappeared completely this past week. i'm not sure if i should be complaining or not because usually my appetite is on the level of a 6'5" linebacker and maybe this is doing me a favor but i'm also worried i have tapeworms or something. i go to japan in 12 days. exciting things await, i'm planning on making an entire page dedicated to the trip, not just another tab in my photos section.......though i will probably be taking more photos than ever before. lots of videos too. my friend said she wants to take photos and videos of me too and that's probably the best thing any photographer could hear
again, not much to say in the diary when there's not much to complain about. part of me almost likes writing physically more than typing in a digital journal these days. which is crazy because i used to really hate journalling, since i honestly just used it as a means to let out all my angry ass thoughts instead of being a dickhead to someone else. also i'd be writing and get even more pissed because i'm like "dude, i can type 170wpm. and i can write maybe 30wpm. i'm being held back!!!!!"
but writing things out actually helps me sort out my thoughts. so maybe the point was that i just had to be less toxic or something. it's easier to not cuss out a piece of paper
03 25 24
i am a valuable person
03 23 24
it's been a very nice past few days, albeit i am staying up very late. making new friends and connections is so special. sharing the things i love and enjoying the things that they love is so special. it brings me back to my favorite monologue in little busters, during episode: riki. i'm still working on the outrageously-large little busters shrine where i'll include it, but here's a screenshot from it as well:
the only thing that is guaranteed in my life is my own life. i will be me forever. i think, earlier, i said i didn't really want to deal with me for the rest of my life. or maybe i wrote that in my physical journal. but maybe i just don't care now and it's fine and i'm feeling better. embrace you who are and not what you aren't. the time will pass anyways. i've survived 100% of my bad days. i am my only limit (this is so wittgenstein). my story will help someone one day. i actually didn't like my last therapist at all but she really rewired my brain by saying that. my story WILL help someone. i would like to give someone hope even if just a little
and who knows? tomorrow i might have a breakdown and wish i never existed and contemplate the medicine cabinet again. classic. too personal i am on this website. hahahahaha. but about 7 years from now when my frontal lobe is fully developed i'll be like "jesus christ, you know, that never really mattered anyways. i shared too much on the internet" and move on with my life. i was looking at pictures of me from the past few years at 4am last night. i've changed so much and it feels like i'm changing everyday
i used to have no hair on my head. i used to have a really puffy face because of steroids and IV medication. i lost my eyelashes after chemo (they grew back). i lost my sense of smell too (that didn't come back). i gained thirty pounds, lost forty, gained sixty, lost forty, gained twenty, lost ten, so i'm really just a different me every single year. i'm thinking about that really bad haircut i got back in 2022. i've only gotten my hair cut three times ever since i've lost it because i'm really anxious about screwing it up. i also just like having long hair again. the last time i did was when i was in seventh grade and i think my hair has basically changed thickness completely from that time
what that all means is that i'm hating myself a little less. i have lived through some hell so of course i will look a little bit like hell. but again, i do hate myself a little less. i had a realization about two days ago that had me talking to myself for about thirty minutes straight like i was talking to a camera (this is what i mean by i think my story will help someone one day, because there's no way i don't make a youtube channel at some point, right? i talk to myself all the time. i like to think this is a healthy habit for reflection): self-improvement content is all such a scam. i got addicted to the idea of changing myself and my impressionable little mind made me think my value was lesser than other humans. i think this is what everyone means by me being too hard on myself
that i fight with myself everyday, that i "shit on myself" (that's what alina said), that i "put too much pressure on myself" (that's what my dad said). it's okay to have expectations for yourself but i actually think trying to "improve myself" completely and utterly ruined me. there was nothing ever wrong with me but there was also no harm in wanting to be better. but i tripped my brain out into thinking there was something wrong with me. there is. i have some mental health problems. it's no surprise, i think. but everyone has those so it's fine and i'll just try to be a little better every day
to summarize (or conclude), i should take a page out of riki's book. little busters applies more and more to my life every single day. i never would have thought that when i read it at 14. i still loved it on an unreal level at that time, though. but i'm scared of losing people when i should just be happy that i met them and got to know them. and i don't want to grow up but there comes a time where you just have to get the hell over it and become stronger. that's so little busters! ahhhhhh, ahhhhhhhhh crap........such a damn good visual novel
03 20 24
my dad said to me today "embrace who you are and not what you aren't"
and also "i can tell you're struggling." i don't like that it's only me who can make change when all i want to do is not be alive. that sounds bad. i'm not going to kill myself. not for a while, at least, because my brain is too safe for that right now. as in i'm too scared trololol. but i just don't want to live. i don't want to live but i don't want to die. i don't want to do all the things that humans have to do. the thing i want to do very most is never think again and never move again and sit completely completely still......
i've been trying to journal more in-depth thoughts physically. i wish i was one of those people where journalling helped. i feel worse. i feel worse being able to make my thoughts tangible on paper because it just reiterates how screwed up everything is and how much effort it's going to take to get me out of there. i want someone to tell me that they won't turn their back on me no matter what happens and that they will work with me to become better. a lot of people love me and that's nice because not everyone has that. i'm sure there are many people in my life who would say that to me. i want someone to say those things to me and for me to care, in that case. because i don't really care about anything anymore
jeeeeesus! you're a snoozefest, bro!
03 19 24
my dad said to me today "i think you put too much pressure on yourself. i just want you to focus on being happy"
heuhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
03 17 24
ehhhh, i don't really want to live much these days. it'd be so much easier not to. never have to worry about anything or get upset about anything ever again. never have to disappoint myself or anyone else. my dad used to always say "the world is against me" about himself and i'm kinda understanding why. i feel very alone but it's not like talking to people makes me feel better either. honestly makes me feel worse. like way worse
i just can't be convinced. can't be convinced any of my effort is worth any reward. can't be convinced anything will get better. can't be convinced that "the little joys are worth it!" because i really don't care about little busters or valorant or ice cream or traveling or fall out boy or sleeping in my bed as much as i worry about all the other things. i don't care about the mulberries in the forest. i care about how i'm going to be strange-looking forever and have to care about what i put into my body forever and have to care about my deteriorating mental & physical health forever and care about human relationships forever and care about making money forever and care about caring and i don't want to care about anything at all. i don't care about my dad or my cat or my brother. my cat doesn't even like me. like i just don't think the itty bitty positives you're supposed to find in everyday outweigh the overbearing negatives
i might seriously need to wipe my brain. very badly
03 14 24
03 13 24
extremely stressed out about relationships on the internet right now. i wish people just understood that i don't like being on the internet. i don't like constantly being attached to my screen. i want a different way to communicate to my friends without it being social media. everything's stressing me out right now, practically every single day of this year so far i've just had the thought "i don't really want to do anything ever at all anymore."
i tried therapy so many times and it's just made me feel worse. i cry whenever i go to the gym. i feel sick whenever i eat and whenever i go outside. i'm bored of everything. all of the things that i enjoyed at any point in my life are boring. it's one thing to have to deal with my family's perception of me that i can't figure out & another thing to deal with what my friends on the internet think of me. i don't even think they see me as their friend anymore. i don't think many people at all even like me anymore, and that's today's little thing i'm grappling with
so much self-hatred on this diary that it comes to a point where no one probably feels bad for me anymore because i'm just complaining about things i can't control or things i can control. i feel like i can't explain myself or my reasons properly and no one wants to hear me out because of it. i feel like i'm constantly at a war with my character being judged. i am definitely being teetered toward "bad person." i tried being a good friend and i don't think i'm a good friend for a lot of people right now and i just want to let go. i want to let go and reset but really i just want to let go and never grab ahold of anything again and just keep slipping slipping slipping oh i'm gonna look at this maybe 2 years from now (or 2 days from now) and wonder what on earth are you saying idiot on the internet? you sound so so so dramatic but really i do not see the point in anything, still, and i don't want to keep doing this
yesterday (3am yesterday) i had a very detailed thought of taking my own life and i panicked and cried a little more and that's what i mean by "i had a really tough night." that feels like a week ago for some reason. i want help but getting help requires resetting myself and facing more difficult things than i'm facing right now. i don't want to do that. i think this whole time i've been trying really hard to censor what i say on here but that's just the bluntest i can put it. i genuinely feel like i am a disappointment of an existence to everyone around me, my family and my friends, because i do not see the value in so much anymore. i am struggling and that is why i don't want to talk to any of you right now. and i already said that. but no one seems to believe me
03 12 24
i had a really tough night. i think it's because i forgot to take melatonin. i've been working pretty hard on the little busters shrine page...i'll have the picture of the childhood friends on my index link to the shrine :-) we're at 16,000 words so far, and i finally re-organized my shelves so that i have more room for the collection. but i did a lot of thinking last night, specifically about my brother, basically about the same thing i wrote an essay about earlier
i'm just not going to care for today. i don't want to be upset about stupid things
the mentality as of recent: focus on yourself. everyone is dealing with their own stuff, so focus on yourself. mind your business. work on you. and i don't mean this in a "be selfish, put yourself first, don't care about what anyone says," but instead "just worry about what you're dealing with and i'll worry about what i'm dealing with." you know? i don't want to let other people's feelings influence me in the wrong direction. i told my dad i don't want to do comp sci. so now we're thinking of getting our real estate licenses together. but that would also mean i have to get a drivers license
how do you get over a fear of driving? answer: exposure therapy. so i have to do it. at some point
anyways, again, no caring today. none at all
03 10 24
ehhhhhhhh, what can ya do!
space cadet, pull out. space cadet, pull out
03 09 24
i feel like i'm disappointing a lot of the people around me. my dad, who doesn't know what to tell me anymore about life and living and how it's worth it. who doesn't know how to make me get off my ass and actually take care of myself and do things that are good for me because the only one who can do any of that is me. my brother, who avoids talking about me with his girlfriend and interacting with me as a whole. i find that my presence is an embarrassment to him. and then maybe my friends. because all i do is complain. and all i do is talk about the same things, over and over. the things that i want do & the things that i'm doing, and i'm always on and on about valorant.....i tune out everything else around me and only care about the video game so that i'm not forced to think about anything else or care about anything else
the first week of the term has ended. i did all my work on time & scored well. but i do not feel any different. i still hate school, and i will always hate school, even if i'm "good" at it. i'm always going to find it's a waste of time. i can't see it as a "means to an end." i see it as a "means to achieve a life that other people want me to live"
i wonder when reality usually hits for people that they have to have normal human regular jobs and that they can't go fucking off doing whatever they want for the rest of their lives. maybe that was in high school, where everyone else was attending in-person and cooperating with each other. maybe that was some time during freshman or sophomore or junior or senior year and i wouldn't know because i didn't really get to attend at all. i'm thinking of this guy that i've known since kindergarten; my mindset of him hadn't changed from kindergarten, either. he was a troublemaking guy that liked to pick on me but was relatively funny. but as a kid, i found him annoying. i didn't think he was annoying when i saw him again in my speech class in sophomore year, but i saw him as the same kid. and then he went and gave a speech about his extremely serious and specific career goals related to founding a business or whatever. it was just something super official. it was jarring.
and i see the people i've known since eighth grade, who i think about basically every single day of my life, assuming degrees in biomedical engineering and pre-med and neuroscience and psychology and i wonder: how do you even get an interest in that? there's someone from my old high school (that i dropped out of after almost ending my shit in junior year) going to university of chicago for "quantum molecular engineering." what the fuck is that? how do you even know as a high schooler that you want to do that?
people change majors, that's a given. i didn't clock until a few months ago that i'm probably going to have to get a normal human real job.
i think about my dad telling me that i need a backup plan for being a musician. it was basically his way of saying that he didn't have any faith in me. and i rebelled from what he said and said that i didn't need a backup plan and that i don't want a backup plan and that all i want to do with my life is make music; and that's definitely still the truth. i have everything i need to make music but i still don't. i don't anyways. my friend made a nice point today: i need to surround myself with people that also make music. it doesn't matter who, just people that make music. and maybe it'll make me want to make music
but in actuality i don't want to do anything, though i decided tomorrow i'm going to really try to get my shit together and get out of this rut i've been in for the past week. i didn't like working and dreaded going in person every single time, i dreaded my presence being acknowledged, but going to work helped me reset from these ruts i'd have whenever there were prolonged periods of times without working. i still don't like it.
i guess what i want to know.....what is everyone doing in college? why are you doing that? what made you want to do that?
i feel guilty. college in the US costs so much money and the last thing i want do is waste my dad's money on something i'm not passionate about but also something that won't make me any money. but there's an issue. i'm not passionate about anything that would make me money. and as much as anyone will tell me that making money doesn't matter, it's as important to me as living is. it's really sad, actually. i looked at new years resolutions i made in 2013 (for 2014). i was 8 years old. everything else was in normal case but i put "make more money!" in uppercase letters. my handwriting really hasn't changed in the past 10 years, i've noticed, too. but that's the kind of person i am. i care too much about that. i'm very greedy.
why do i want money? i just want to be comfortable and i want money to support doing the things i actually love. but i'm not even doing any of those things right now. and maybe that's why i'm stuck right now. i just don't see the point. no one's convincing me either. i don't know who can convince me. i really want to be convinced. i can say a thousand times over how upset i am about disappointing my family and my friends, how i want to live financially free and travel the entire world, how i want to make books and make videos, how much i hate eating and think it provides me nothing but disservice, but nothing at all changes unless i'm convinced.
i was talking with a new friend, some random guy i met on valorant, and it makes me feel better to know i'm not entirely alone. he and i don't really know if "the grind is worth it." i guess the difference between us is that he's actually grinding and i'm doing nothing but sitting with my cock out, playing video games in the comfort of my room. the cock is metaphorical. but then it makes me wonder what's better: grinding every single day even though you hate it more than anything and don't see the point, or doing nothing every day because you hate the idea of grinding and don't see the point?
i wrote it out, the latter seems worse. i'm doing nothing. always always always. everyone tells me to not be hard on myself. everyone tells me i was dealt a very unlucky hand in life and i don't like when people say that because i think it fuels my victim mindset. at the end of the day, nobody is going to save me.......i'm just complaining to complain. complaining about how i had a shitty life and i can't pick up the pieces even though i know what to do. everyone tells me i have time to work on it. and i tell them i've been working so hard for the past four years. it's been four years since i was sick. i had my transplant in 2019 and i was in remission by early 2020. i'm completely fucking fine and i've been completely fucking fine for 4 years, maybe not the graves' disease part, i don't really think that's important, but i've had nothing but time and it's the thing i've been most privileged with of all.
time time time. i'm so young and i have so much of it. and i was blessed with so much of it. if i ever became a public speaker, that's what i'd talk about. making the worst thing that ever happened to you the best thing that ever happened to you. i got sick and i lost everything but at the same time, i was given nothing but time and nothing of influence from the outside world to figure out who i really am and what i really like and got to do so much of what i loved for the longest time
is that why i'm so unimpassioned about everything? because i spent an outrageous amount of time on all of the things i've loved compared to other people my age? i think the worst part is that i have absolutely nothing for it. i have a cool few pictures to show from when i traveled and nothing else. uooooh. my spotify shuffle started playing turn it off by paramore! yeah, it's out to get me. hahahahaha. but i've had nothing but time and i have so many hobbies i've acquired over the years that my family has supported and i have nothing to show them, nothing to show anyone, nothing that i like and nothing that i enjoy
i want to share more with my family but i don't like the idea of having to explain things to them. i don't think i can. i don't think i could explain myself. and i try really hard. whenever i start acting like this, i text my dad, and i only text him. i don't talk to him in person. i've noticed that. when i used to argue with my parents about shaving my head (the height of my problems back then, apparently), i would write them essays to convince them. that was the best way i knew how to communicate. writing writing writing. i said this to a friend today: i feel like i was born so naturally as a writer. i don't believe in talent. i don't believe "anyone" is "anything" at birth but i have always been a gifted writer and i feel like i don't take advantage of it. i feel like i would be doing myself a disservice by not thinking harder about it. by not doing something with it.
everyone tells me to not be hard on myself. everyone tells me i was dealt a very unlucky hand in life. but isn't everyone? everyone goes through things. i am not any different. and for the past 1,460 days of my life, i've done absolutely nothing. i've thought about changing myself and fixing myself every single day and i've gotten nowhere. i've gone backwards from where i was four years ago, thirty pounds heavier from what being sick did to me, friendless from all the people that lost contact with me when i disappeared from school, horrible haircut as my hair was starting to grow out from chemo. you always get this weird lump on the top of your head. very weird
and maybe it wasn't physically that i've gone "backwards" (though i am very disappointed with my physical health, and angry, every single day about it) but mentally. i thought too hard about everything ever. i don't want to be told by my therapists that "you're really aware!" or "you're good at reflecting on yourself!" and i don't want to have to explain myself to anyone either. why are you in online college? why'd you take a year off? why didn't you go to high school? you're so mature for your age. why computer science? i don't know. i don't have anything else.
so many questions and so many thoughts. i don't know if i need answers but i'm glad that i got everything out of my brain. i don't even think that's everything. there's so much more, definitely. honestly, i do want to go more in-depth about my eating disorder on here but it's probably not safe to do, for myself and for anyone reading it. even though this was meant to be an uncensored online space just for me trololol. i feel like my brain is an echo chamber. the same thoughts every single day for four years, one thousand and four hundred and sixty days, nothing to show for all of my interests over the years, nothing that would be worth making my career. "nothing" has a lot of worth.
that's today's yap session. there will probably be more tomorrow and maybe some more the next day. and maybe i'll remove this if i look back and think that the thoughts were a little too cringeworthy. they weren't, though. they're really me! it's all that i really think! every single day!
03 08 24
or maybe i don't "want" to do anything because it's a lot easier to sit at home and do nothing
the music video for slow burn came out today. i've been in love with that color grading for a while, they kept using it for their tiktok promo posts. everything about the video is very heavenly. maybe that's what i want to do. i just want to make videos. and make them look pretty. and i want to make music and i just want to make things but i don't like school. my dad calls it a "means to an end," i have to do school to get to where i want to be, but if i end up ending my shit before i get to that point, then what is the point?
i'm not about to end my shit
03 05 24
i had a tougher day today. tried distracting myself and failed. i kinda wish i didn't watch that video that i shared on the 29th because it really has me rethinking everything & wondering if i should even be doing college. i don't need college for the things that i truly want to do. i want to write, i want to make music, i want to make videos and take pictures. i want to do that forever, for the rest of my life. i like programming, it's been enjoyable to learn thus far, but the grind needed for any semblance of a "stable career" is unattractive to me. it comes across as a waste of time. it comes across the same way that the speaker in the video feels
i started reading saku saku: love blooms with the cherry blossoms, because of how upset i was. i thought reading a shitty visual novel would put me in a worse mood. the art is gorgeous, but this definitely isn't gonna be good. i also started rewrite and also started slow damage, so i guess i'm back in this rut of constantly starting visual novels and never continuing them after the first time i open them. i'm kinda just fucking around with saku saku. i don't think i'm gonna dedicate myself to this 44-hour high school romance game that much
i have more thoughts about today but that's too much thinking for right now, so i'll think about it another time and rattle it off here. take care
03 04 24
first day of first term of first year of uni today, a lot of work done but it was extremely boring and i had a lot of trouble focusing. i can't say i'm any more motivated than i was yesterday (i wasn't, at all, from the beginning). i set an alarm for 6:30am to wake up and take a cold shower. my alarm went off and i got out of bed, turned it off, and went back to bed for another four hours. i'm going to take a long walk today because it's going to be 70 degrees. springtime is for real.
today marks four years since my mom's death. not many thoughts on that
02 29 24
yeah, i'm full blown sick now. how do i get sick twice in the same month? sometimes, randomly and sporadically, i'll say aloud that i feel thankful to breathe through my nose when i'm not congested. because then it makes the feeling of being congested a little less grueling. i seriously am sleeping like shit though. i watched a video today, a short one, that is changing my brain a little bit. i like what the challenge of cs entails, somehow i'm not scared for the amount i'll have to grind to get to somewhere good; and yet, i know i would be much more fulfilled if i was doing photography for the rest of my life.
i think of what my co-worker, 42 years older than me, said to me. she has a degree in human resources and used to work in a corporate setting. she said she wishes she never did that, but then i started to wonder, what would she do instead? i don't know too much about her, just a handful, but i'm guessing she was a stay-at-home mom for the greater part of her life. but she says her and her family are very headstrong in believing that you should do what you want and not force yourself to do something else
so, as i'm grinding school, i'll try my hardest to grind photography. i haven't shared this before but i created a fake/spec ad for an energy drink brand (juvee, do you know it?) as a way to test my ability in making commercial-esque videos. the company followed me on instagram, retweeted it, and e-mailed me saying that they were using my work as reference for the future of their drink brand. i thought that was so cool. doing fake/free work is really the way to make art into your full-time job. i think i want to do it again, now that i know a little more about how to use my camera and how to color grade.
i like photography, a lot. it's the only creative thing i do these days (other than this website, i guess?) that doesn't burn me out or feel encumbering. i feel like i could really succeed with photography if i grinded it out. and it would be so much easier to grind out photography than something i have less of an interest in.....because it really fulfills me
anyway, that's all my thought thinking for today. i spent a lot of today in bed. my last day at the coffee shop is on march 3rd.
02 27 24
i feel like i've had a sore throat for the past week. at least, every time i wake up. i've booked my japan trip. i'm very thrilled, but it means i have to get on the grind for the next month & a half :-) at least in terms of patterning my physical health......but i guess mental health applies too. i've been in a rut for years. the last time i think i was a really happy person was in sixth grade——and i don't say this as "poor me" but as in "i don't remember what that feels like?"
and i'm curious if life is supposed to always feel like this, where my shoulders are sore and heavy every time i wake up (perhaps i should start sleeping in a futon?) and i'm just stuck on always beating myself up and wanting to get better. i can't wait for my twenties. i can't wait for the moment my prefrontal cortex just snaps into place and i'm like "holy shit! life is FOR REAL! i'm digging it!"
my dad tells me my twenties are going to be good. i'll put my trust in him for now
02 08 24
my one year and 3 months streak of not throwing up has broken today. i'm literally not sure at all what caused it. but i think i took a big stride today in overcoming my emetophobia (pretending like i didn't lay in bed for 3 hours trying to will it away)
that's today's exciting occurrence